After being in quite a few relationships over the years (some monogamous but mostly non monogamous), I’ve realized something important with any type of relationship (even friendships for that matter): all relationships are different, and you bring different things to each. But all relationships must build genuine connections. And no, intimacy is not about sex.
Sex does not Equal intimacy
A lot of people mistake sexual attraction, or the act of having sex as intimacy. But sex and intimacy are not the same thing. I (and you) can have sex as a simple act, a one night stand, FWBs, hook up, trying something new, or just to scratch an itch. But that doesn’t mean I have been intimate with someone. I have shared an orgasm (hopefully), and that’s about it (not every time but you get the picture).
So what is Intimacy?
Intimacy is about being vulnerable. It’s about showing your true self to your partner, friend, or family, letting them see every part of you—the good, the bad, the messy, and the beautiful. The most important form of intimacy is acceptance: do they genuinely accept me for who I am? That’s the kind of intimacy that truly counts. It’s sharing your deepest secrets, crying in their arms, and knowing they have your back through thick and thin. That’s the intimacy that I want. Sex is just an added bonus.
How do you get there?
I can’t stress this enough. Communication and openness is crucial. Being open and honest with your partner about your needs, desires, and boundaries. It took me a while to get comfortable with this, but it’s been a game-changer. Actually being comfortable with my self, in my own skin, I was able to open up to others and be true to my beliefs and values.
Even with family – my family knows about my work, my parties, my trysts, my lifestyle, and they accept me for all of it. They may not like it, and they always tell me to be safe, but they know I am being true to myself. For that I am grateful.
Everyone is Unique and Entitled to Their Own Experience
We are all different, that’s not a big secret. What works for one person may not work for another. So we all need to learn and adapt together. We are all on the same train but in different seats and carriages. The sooner we accept that our partners have had different life experiences that have shaped their views, and actively work to understand them, the better off we are. You might not agree with what your partner does, but guess what, it’s likely none of your business. For years I tried to tell my partners what they should do and solve their problems, but what I was really saying was, “You are not smart enough to figure it out yourself, so let me tell you what you should do.” They didn’t want advice, they didn’t want me to fix it, they wanted me to listen. Your partner is perfectly capable of fixing their own life without you telling them how to or what you think. Allow them to have their own experience. Doing anything else is simply selfish.
Respect is Non-Negotiable
Allowing others to experience life as they choose is all about respect. Treating your partner with respect, both in and out of the bedroom, is absolutely essential. This can mean many things. As I have grown and changed, I noticed that I have lived many lives in my short time on this earth. Being able to give and receive respect has played a part in all of them. I can’t impose my beliefs, morals, fantasies, literally anything on a noter person, especially my partner. This means I must respect others boundaries and decisions, even if they are not the ones I would make. For any relationship to succeed, respect is a priority.
It’s Not a Competition
Now to get a little more sexy. I used to worry about being the best sex my partner had ever had, or having the biggest cock, or given the best orgasms. Guess what – there is always some bigger or better. Stop chasing something that isn’t real. I’ve learned that intimacy isn’t a competition. It’s about connecting with your partner, enjoying the moment together, and building something new. One thing is for certain, the relationship I have had with each of my partners has been unique in their own way. And that is what makes them special. Comparing yourself or your relationship to someone else or your partners previous marriage is a losing battle. You can’t compare things that are not the same. So stop it!
Communication is Ongoing which means Growth
Tastes change, bodies change, hormones change, kinks change, and what we want for our lives changes over time. I am not the person I was 5 years ago. So always check in with your partner regularly to make sure you’re both on the same page: physically, emotionally, spiritually. It’s easy to grow apart but it’s more rewarding to grow together. We can only do that with constant communication, no matter how hard it might be at the time.
Keep Learning (together)
It’s easy to get complacent. We all have busy lives and the grind of day to day living can be daunting. If we don’t take time out to learn a new thing (especially with our partner), things can get stale. So prioritize taking a dance class, learning to cook a new dish, try some kinky role play, learn shibari, develop skills in yoni or lingham massage from a trained professional – so many things can keep life, love, and sex interesting. I’m always trying to educate myself about sexual health, safety, and pleasure. There’s always more to learn, and being informed helps create better experiences for everyone involved.
Why Didn’t Anyone at School Teach Us About Self Care?
Taking care of your own physical, emotional, and sexual health is critical. It helps you show up as your best self in your relationships, intimate or other. Sometimes I need a break from my partner. Sometimes I need to go on holiday alone. I have friends that I connect with in other ways that my partner and I don’t. I can’t be everything to her and she can’t be everything to me.
That’s where many people trip up. Disney has fed us a lie that “the one” will solve all of our problems and make us whole. But fuck Disney, you are already whole. You are enough. And no one person or thing is going to change that. Self care and mental health are paramount to all relationships. Put your mask on first, then love with all your heart
Remember, at the end of the day, intimacy is about connection, mutual respect, and being true to yourself. It’s not about sex or comparing people or finding “the one” to fix all your problems. We are all unique, so each relationship is a completely new life you get to live with someone. Enjoy it!
What are your thoughts on healthy intimacy? Share in the comments, but keep it respectful!
Wesley James - Premier Companion 