Warning: this post discusses rape and trauma
A few years ago I was at a bar hanging out with some friends of mine. We were watching some jazz from a local group. Another friend of ours was singing, entertaining in the way that she does (which can be quite confrontational, especially for jazz!). It was a fun night all around and I got into this conversation with 2 friends – let’s call them Lynn and Diana. I knew Diana well. Lynn a friend of a friend (I had met her a few times, lovely girl), and it came up that it had been years since she had had sex or connection with anyone. These are just the type of conversations that come up around me.
I was inquisitive as always but we stopped short of why it had been so long – just something Lynn didn’t want to get into. Both women did not know anything about my other life as it’s not something I tell everyone. But I thought I would take a shot and in my cutest non judgmental way I said, “Well if you ever want break that streak let me know!” I wasn’t acting like an escort. These were friends and I don’t see every encounter as a job. That would make sex so mechanical. Well, Lynn shyly laughed it off and I headed home – politely rejected.
A few days later Lynn sent me a message. “Were you serious about your offer the other night?” I was intrigued, and of course I was serious! We got to talking and Lynn revealed she had been raped years ago. This caused her to not trust men (I don’t blame her), and she got triggered anytime there was a hint of intimacy. Side note: it is distressing how many of my female friends have experienced some type of sexual harassment in their life. It is insanely hard to be a woman today, and I do not envy what they go through. Men – Talk to your female friends. Give them space and empathy. And always support them. It’s fuckin’ hard.
I was grateful that Lynn entrusted this to me. I was empathetic as I knew many women who had experienced similar situations of varying degrees. But why me? Why would Lynn ask me? She had been propositioned by many men for years.
Like I mentioned, the 3 of us (me, Lynn, and Diana) were talking at the jazz bar that night. I forgot to mention I had been with Diana a few times in the past, just some friendly play. After I left the jazz bar the 2 of them started talking. Diana mentioned we had played around a few times and I guess she gave me a good review.
Actually Diana told Lynn that I was a safe choice to “get back out there” and explore with. She told her I was slow, wouldn’t ask her to do anything she didn’t want, would be attentive to her needs, and would stop the minute she was uncomfortable. I was surprised as I had never been described as “safe” – at least not personally. The word was strange to me. I wanted to be described as an amazing lover (or something sexy!), but I understood what she meant. I came to appreciate the description.
We set a date. Lynn came over to the house, we chatted for a bit, and slowly moved into the bedroom. I won’t go through the specifics of what happened behind closed doors but Lynn found a boyfriend within the next year. I was very happy to hear she had found someone after so long. I’m in no way taking credit for her progress, but I’d like to think that any impact I had was positive. Maybe it helped her navigate through some of the trauma.
I thought about writing about situations where someone might seek an escort to help them through trauma, but I don’t want to put misinformation out there. I haven’t studied it properly. But I am sure there are many reasons.
As long as you have someone that is kind, empathetic, and will respect and listen to your needs, you have a good support system. It doesn’t have to involve sex, but for some people I do see the benefit of a controlled environment to re-engage more intimately.
I’ve had many clients who are re-starting their sex life for many reasons – divorce, health issues, a sexless marriage, years of focus on career or kids, and (as above) trauma. I hold a special place for these encounters. They are putting a lot of trust in me which leads to a lot of pressure. But I am happy I get to be a part of their journey. Hopefully I help them find something that might have been lost.
Lemme know your thoughts. Do you think it’s a good idea for sex workers to help people with trauma or PTSD? Do you think it would be another form of therapy?
Wesley James - Premier Companion 