First off, not getting hard is not that big a deal. Men struggling to get an erection during sex is more common than you might think, and it’s rarely talked about due to the idea that erections has to do with masculinity. Let’s break it down in a way that’s real, straightforward, and a bit like a conversation you’d have with a close friend—because that’s how these things should be talked about.
Why Men Have Trouble Getting an Erection During Sex
1. Stress and Anxiety — The Mind’s Saboteur
This is the number one reason men (including myself) have trouble. Life is hectic, work piles up, bills loom, and sometimes your brain just won’t switch off. Your head isn’t in the game. When your mind is racing, it’s tough for your body to respond the way you want it to.
And when this happens – it’s all you can think about. “Why am I not getting hard?” “What does she think about me?” “I can’t make her cum, and she will tell her friends.” This anxiety only makes it worse — the more you think about it, the harder (or not) it becomes. It’s a vicious cycle that’s happened to almost every guy I know.
When this happens to me, I call it out to take away it’s power. I tell my partner, “I am stuck in my head, let me focus on you.” Eventually things start to work naturally.
2. Physical Health Matters
Your body is a machine, and like any machine, it needs to be in good shape to perform well. Conditions like high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, and obesity can all interfere with blood flow, which is essential to perform! Lifestyle factors such as smoking, excessive drinking, and exercise also play a significant role. Sometimes, the issue isn’t psychological but purely physical.
3. Medications and Substances
Certain medications can have side effects that impact sexual function. Antidepressants, blood pressure meds, and even some allergy pills can make it tough to maintain your manhood. It happened to me for awhile when I was prescribed some specific meds that had side effects. Luckily I was able to find a different med which didn’t have the same impact after I realized what was happening.
Alcohol and recreational drugs (“Whiskey Dick”, “Coke Dick”) will definitely have an impact on your cock’s ability to do it’s job. Anyway, sex is sloppy when you are messed up – and in my experience, not much fun.
4. Relationship and Emotional Factors
Sex isn’t just physical; it’s emotional and relational too. If there’s tension, unresolved conflict, or lack of connection with your partner, it can affect your performance. Sometimes you are just not in the mood or there are things that need to be said. It’s good to talk through these emotions with your partner to release tension and feel confident.
I have been in long term relationships where sex isn’t as exciting as it once was. That’s actually normal. It’s good to be honest and lower the expectations that you should always be rock hard and ready to go!
5. Age and Hormonal Changes
As men get older, testosterone levels naturally decline, which can affect libido and erectile function. (Though I have asked some much older men when their desire to fuck every girl around them ended. FYI – it doesn’t! ) But it’s not just about getting older; it’s about how your body’s chemistry shifts over time. This is normal but sometimes requires attention from a doctor if it starts to impact your quality of life.
What Can You Do About It?
- Talk openly with your partner. Communication reduces pressure and builds intimacy.
- Focus on your partner’s pleasure to ease the situation and get out of your head
- Check your health with a doctor, especially if you have chronic conditions.
- Review medications with your healthcare provider to see if they might be contributing.
- Adopt a healthy lifestyle — eat well, move more, and cut back on smoking and drinking.
For all the men (and women) who have had this experience
“Not getting it up” isn’t a sign of weakness or failure. It’s a signal from your body and mind that something needs attention. The more openly you talk about it, the less power it has.
My own experience (even as a professional) has taught me a few good strategies to deal with performance anxiety. Remember, sex isn’t about perfection or pressure (expectations ruin sex for me), It’s fun!! If you can’t “perform” at times, who cares! Talk about it and move on to something else. And if your partner is making a big deal about it, it likely says something more about them than you.
Wesley James - Premier Companion 